Introduction
“I’ve managed to not get involved with the other coaches complaining about referees, talking negatively about the opposition and generally being a bit toxic.”
Every match day, you’re making a choice. Not just about tactics. About identity.
The Touchline Culture Problem
What You See Every Weekend
- Coaches screaming at referees
- Parents shouting instructions
- Criticism of opposition players
- Blame-shifting after losses
- Toxic atmospheres around children’s games
The Pressure to Conform
“Everyone else does it” creates gravitational pull toward poor behaviour.
Standing apart takes conscious effort.
The Kids Are Watching
Players learn more from your behaviour than your coaching points.
What are you teaching them about competition, disappointment, and respect?
Choosing Your Identity
The Reactive Coach
Emotions drive behaviour. Circumstances dictate responses.
- Good ref = good mood
- Bad call = explosion
- Loss = blame game
- Win = satisfaction until next challenge
The Intentional Coach
Values drive behaviour. Identity shapes responses.
- Prepared for unfair calls
- Response planned in advance
- Same person in wins and losses
- Focus on controllables
The Difference
“I’ve managed to not get involved.”
“Managed” is the key word. It takes management. It doesn’t happen accidentally.
Practical Steps
Pre-Match Intention Setting
Before arriving:
- Remind yourself who you want to be
- Anticipate triggers
- Plan responses
- Commit to standards
Create Physical Distance
Sometimes literally stepping back helps:
- Position yourself away from other coaches
- Create space between you and triggers
- Use physical movement to reset
The 10-Second Rule
When triggered:
- Notice the emotion
- Wait 10 seconds
- Choose your response
- Act from intention, not reaction
Post-Match Reflection
After every game:
- How did I behave?
- Did I stay true to my identity?
- What triggered me?
- What will I do differently?
The Ripple Effect
On Your Players
Players with calm coaches:
- Feel safer to make mistakes
- Focus on playing, not managing adult emotions
- Learn healthy competition
- Develop resilience
On Your Club
Your behaviour influences:
- Other coaches watching
- Parents’ expectations
- Club culture
- Future coaching standards
On Yourself
“Generally being a bit toxic” doesn’t just affect others.
It affects who you become. Your stress levels. Your enjoyment.
Building Better Habits
Start Small
You don’t need perfect behaviour immediately.
Start with one trigger. Master that. Add another.
Find Allies
“I’ve managed to not get involved with the other coaches.”
Sometimes the other coaches are the problem. Find coaches who share your values.
Accept Imperfection
You’ll slip. Everyone does.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s intention and improvement.
Celebrate Wins
When you successfully manage a trigger, acknowledge it.
These small wins build the identity you’re creating.
The Long Game
Seasons Change
This season’s opponents become next season’s teammates.
This season’s referee might be at your tournament.
Reputation accumulates.
Players Remember
Years from now, players won’t remember scores.
They’ll remember how you made them feel. How you behaved. Who you were.
You Live With Yourself
At the end of match day, you go home.
With who you chose to be. Every time.
Conclusion
Coaching identity isn’t given. It’s built.
Every match day. Every decision. Every response to triggers.
“I’ve managed to not get involved.”
That’s not passive. It’s active identity construction.
What identity are you building this weekend?