Introduction
It was a Saturday morning in October. Our match was at a neutral venue, and I was surrounded by coaches and parents I had never met.
By the fifteenth minute, the touchline had descended into chaos.
One coach was screaming at the referee about an offside decision. Parents were shouting instructions that contradicted what their coach was saying. Another coach was making comments about the opposition players that made me uncomfortable.
I had been triggered too. A foul that should have been called was not. My instinct was to join the shouting.
But I stopped myself.
I took a breath. I stepped back from the touchline. I let the moment pass without joining in.
That decision felt small at the time. It changed how I think about coaching identity.
What I Noticed That Morning
Once I stepped back, I started observing instead of reacting.
The shouting coach’s players looked nervous. They kept glancing at him, checking his mood. Their focus was split between the game and managing his emotions.
The parents screaming instructions were confusing their children. Players would hear one thing from their coach and something different from the touchline. They hesitated on decisions they should have made instantly.
The toxic comments about opposition players were being heard by everyone. Including the players making those comments’ teammates’ mistakes.
The kids were watching everything. Learning from everything. And what they were learning had nothing to do with football.
The Gravitational Pull
“Everyone else does it” creates this pull toward poor behaviour. Standing apart takes conscious effort. It does not happen accidentally.
The touchline culture that morning was contagious. Coaches who had arrived calm got pulled into the negativity. Parents who had started quietly got louder as the match progressed.
“I have managed to not get involved with the other coaches complaining about referees, talking negatively about the opposition, and generally being a bit toxic which is so hard as you naturally want to fit in.” — FCA Member
The word “managed” stuck with me. This is not natural ease. It is deliberate effort.
The Two Types of Coach
The reactive coach lets emotions drive behaviour. Circumstances dictate responses. Good referee decisions mean good mood. Bad calls mean explosion. Loss means blame game. Win means temporary satisfaction until the next challenge.
The intentional coach lets values drive behaviour. Identity shapes responses. They are prepared for unfair calls. Their response is planned in advance. They are the same person in wins and losses. Their focus stays on what they can control.
I decided who I wanted to be on match day. Not who I would accidentally become when things went wrong.
What I Changed
After that morning, I started approaching match days differently.
Before arriving at any match, I remind myself who I want to be. Not what tactics I will use. Who I will be when things go wrong. I anticipate triggers and plan responses. I commit to standards before the pressure arrives.
I create physical distance when needed. Positioning myself away from coaches who might pull me into poor behaviour. Stepping back when I feel emotions rising. Using movement to reset.
I use a ten-second rule when triggered. Notice the emotion. Wait ten seconds. Choose my response. Act from intention, not reaction. Those ten seconds make the difference between regret and composure.
After every match, I reflect honestly. How did I behave? Did I stay true to my identity? What triggered me? What will I do differently next time?
The Ripple Effect
The changes started showing in my players.
They stopped looking at me nervously during difficult moments. They knew I would be calm regardless of the score or the decisions. That safety let them take risks. That consistency let them focus.
Other coaches noticed. Some asked how I stayed calm. Some seemed annoyed that I was not joining in. A few started positioning themselves near me, as if composure was contagious too.
Parents commented. One told me that watching our touchline compared to others was like watching different sports. “The kids look like they are actually having fun,” she said.
The Long Game
This season’s opponents become next season’s teammates. This season’s referee might be at your tournament. Reputation accumulates.
Every match day builds your coaching identity. Not through intention statements or philosophy documents. Through actual behaviour when things go wrong.
Years from now, your players will not remember the scores. They will remember how you made them feel. How you behaved. Who you were.
“I have managed to not get involved.”
That is not passive. It is active identity construction. Every match day. Every decision. Every response to triggers.
I still get triggered. I still feel the pull toward poor behaviour. The difference is I have decided in advance who I will be. The ten seconds between trigger and response is where identity lives.
That Saturday morning choice felt small. But it was the beginning of choosing my coaching identity instead of accidentally becoming whoever circumstances made me.
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